azume | ღ think of the places you'll go

ღ think of the places you'll go

[So. In a word, this whole confrontation could very well be described as a travesty. Between finding out a good deal about Cyrus, which could be described as their objective, and finding out everything about Dawn, it's been generally bad. This day is honestly about as canceled as Sunyshore City itself, and considering the state of the city...well, that's pretty damn canceled.

The beach is probably the last place anyone really wants to go, considering the weather, but it's there and at the very least, it's quiet. It's not much of a party, all considered, but at least they're not all cramped in the lighthouse. For whatever it's worth.

May as well rest before they go in another direction tomorrow; everyone's liable to be weary after today.]

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Even if I am not, Saber ever is and Bosphoramus might want something to go with the boulders he'll eat later.

[ So yeah pretty much ]

... Truth told, I would love something sweet now, but I've nothing much but sweet berries.

I've got more jam than God if you have something to put it on.

[...He gets really bored in the Centers sometimes.]

I... may. [ Daroh beeps a little as she scurries into her backpack, looking for if she has any sort of cracker or maybe one of those bar things... Mmm!! ] That sounds wonderful. I... honestly, I'd have looked forward to something Rin made after something like this. Perhaps not the first night, but - later. It's weighing on me I won't have hers for a while now. I suppose that's strange, when I can cook for myself or Ignis or Camilla is far more our usual chef.

[ God. ] ... Here I am, speaking of things which happened a long while ago now.

[ Today is so weird. Ugh. ... Ah! Here we go! A pretzel stick! ... Maybe that'll work. ]

[...Okay, look, the jam is fucking blue, but he makes it the old fashioned way with berries and sugar and a lot of patience. So it's going to be sweet as hell, is what we're saying here. Go ahead and dunk that shit in there, he doesn't mind.]

Nah, Rin used to come over and talk for a while after shit like this happened. I sort of miss it too.

[He's bad at this, but he does get it.]

[ She... sighs. She sighs, taking the jam - she makes a mental note to ask if it as made with Oran, Warmel, or whatever type of berry was in it - and does indeed make to dunk pretzel sticks in there, smearing them before bringing it back to her mouth and .- well she does squeal a little with childish delight at the sugar rush before she responds, ]

I miss it - her - terribly. Aya and so many others vanished too - Noctis I'm sure has floored Ignis. But I really had gotten along with her well I - suppose I might still be processing that we still haven't much clue about what's become of them, other than it is likely Cyrus has used them as part of those Red Chain horrors.

God, he better not have fucked with Aya like that or I'm gonna kick his ass.

[Jake.]

That kid didn't deserve any of the shit that's going on here.

[ She stirs the stick in the jam and... ]

No, she did not. ... It's a thought I can't now get out of my head though. That I knew that suspicion going in, but the moment we're speaking with him again, the more it feels like -- like I needed to justify my perspective to him. When the evil of the things like the Red Chain is self-evident.

[ It's frustrating. ]

Yeah, that sort of shit pisses me off. That, and whatever shit he was doing to Rey.

[He did not like him trying to get into Rey's head like that?]

Rey seemed to find some comfort in that.

[ Zelda sounds clipped though, she... doesn't see it. ]

Yeah, I know she did. That's the fucking problem.

[ mmm ]

I... do not disagree.

[ Though the more telling part of her agreement is that she sort of ends up snapping the pretzel stick for pulling it out too fast, uh. ]

[...That sure did happen, there, um.]

...What's on your mind?

[ . . . Mmmm. ]

Just ... everything, to tell the truth. I've been frustrated about how Rey was treated, and frustrated at Rey for her reaction to it. Vexed at myself for not even bringing up the Red Chain and its demonstrable evil. Annoyed at Saturn that we were sent into that. ... Camilla I - he really did treat her so cruelly, but for how stark and jumpy her reactions can be, I'm annoyed at myself for not entirely disagreeing - not with his conclusion. Not with- any of that. But... I worry. To say the thing that holds her from violence is something as - is mere orders, I worry.

Yeah, I really wasn't expecting him to suddenly get into a dick-waving competition with Camilla, either. But there they both went, all right.

[should he mention dick-waving competitions in front of zelda- ...surely she gets the idea.]

I'm pretty sure that was just the world's worst personality clash, though. She doesn't like his ideals, he doesn't like hers, they felt the need to assert themselves and they kept amping it up like idiots. Like Bucky and Jupiter a while ago, just with less screaming and more posturing.

[ . . . Yeah. Yeah, honestly, that does make it easier to swallow. ... Also what he fuck is a dick waving - you know whatever, she flushes a little but she gets the idea. ]

I do not like Camilla equating herself to something more like a beast in the course of that. I suppose that is what sits poorly with me.

I can't say I don't get it, at least a bit? I'm kind of the same way - kill first, ask questions later if anybody's still alive afterwards. Sometimes you don't get to ask questions.

Maybe she actually is that down on herself; maybe it's just a way to make stuff easier so she's not. It's kinda hard to say.

But you - you both - are more than that. People are more than that... it. ... It doesn't sit right with me, to leave it at that. Warriors or not. It's never sat right with me some times we've talked either. But I suppose that is simply me being petulant.

...You want me to try to knock it off or something?

[genuine question.]

Yes! ... Yes. But I would - I would wish for you to mean it.

[ . . . ]

The world cannot always be kind, I know that. Your hardships have made you... you. And you have said before I've perhaps overestimated your virtues. But I do not - I do not like this fatalistic idea that a soldier is not someone who thinks, to imply they are not someone who feels. I suppose it is that which bothers me.

[ She chews on the pretzel end and... ] Or perhaps it is something else. Honestly, my mind is quite tired after it all, I'm sure my points are poorly articulated.

[He just kind of...turns that over in his head a bit.]

We're like that because we don't really get to have a whole lot of feelings. You get that, right?

[She...might not get that, and that idea kind of weirds him out a little.]

Shit changes when you have to kill people for a living. You know how everyone here yells about how they don't want anyone to die, they don't want to kill anybody? We don't get to feel like that. Maybe some of us start out that way - when I first started work, I was kind of praying that I wouldn't ever have to actually murder anyone. That someone else would get it for me, that I'd just be backup or something, that if I had to kill it'd be self-defense. But you find out pretty fast, if you have to be a soldier, that that way of thinking is bullshit. You're gonna have to kill people, and you're gonna have to get really good at killing people really fast, and you're going to have to get even better at not feeling like shit about it or you're going to fucking die.

You don't get to feel anything when you're on the battlefield. You get real good at shutting your feelings off and just doing whatever it is you have to do to stay alive. And after a while, it gets harder to turn 'em back on, and then you stop bothering and you're just kinda stuck like that.

A lot of the time, it's not being fatalistic, it's that we seriously don't feel anything.

[ She really is being petulant isn't she, because she ends up thinking about... Link. About how different he was during that time when he was regaining his memories versus that time they had met and been knight and princess before the Calamity. She stirs her jam up some more and then sighs as she takes the stick in her mouth again, biting into it and trying to process it all. ]

I understand intellectually.

[ But not emotionally, that's... harder for her, if she's honest. ]

Can't really picture it too well, though, yeah?

[Like it's...kinda hard to empathize with. He doesn't sound like he's judging or picking on her or anything for it, though, just kind of seeing if we're all on the same page.]

Admittedly, yes.

[ . . . ]

Or no... I. Whatever relation I have is to how I would repress my frustrations and sorrows when I was failing to live up to things, before the Calamity. But I know that is not the same. To begin with, I'm too rebellious.

...I think it's a good thing, if you can't get your head around stuff like that. Rebellious or otherwise.

[ She nods, deflating a little bit as she does but nibbling more on the pretzel... Mmm... ]

[ sigh ] ... I've ever been surrounded by warriors, but they were so colorful and - different. I suppose it is the nature of our conflicts, but I can't help but wonder if I was oblivious to their own hardships until the end, now.

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