keith. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
redbellion) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
azume2018-07-14 03:28 pm
redbellion) wrote in azume2018-07-14 03:28 pm
drops of jupiter.
[ so that was a lot, especially since it was keith’s first time coming face-to-face with a commander. he knows everyone must be tired and emotionally drained, but they have a lot of things they need to talk about. things that can’t wait to be sorted out. he has to collect his thoughts first, though--he’s not sure how to feel about this exactly, but he knows he’s feeling a lot of things. keith needs time to process everything, and he goes off to be alone for a little while.
eventually, michael, kayneth, ignis, camilla, and bucky bring over some food for the gang. it’s a much needed meal, and maybe some people want to eat in peace. unfortunately, keith is keith, and he thinks now is the best time to have a discussion. ]
Look, I know I’m not in the best position to say this, especially after how I acted back there. But unless anyone has any better ideas, we need to go to that lake and see the Guardian. We have to try. If that’s part of the solution to saving these people and going back home, then there’s really no other option.
[ he’s saying this with a calm head this time. he’s frustrated, clearly, but he’s speaking firmly and with nowhere near the same aggression he held earlier, back when he wanted to attack jupiter.
he doesn’t believe that he can be the leader anyone needs him to be. not here, not back at home. but it’s not going to stop him from trying to do what he feels is right. ]
And if we need someone to scope it out before we act, then I’ll do it.
eventually, michael, kayneth, ignis, camilla, and bucky bring over some food for the gang. it’s a much needed meal, and maybe some people want to eat in peace. unfortunately, keith is keith, and he thinks now is the best time to have a discussion. ]
Look, I know I’m not in the best position to say this, especially after how I acted back there. But unless anyone has any better ideas, we need to go to that lake and see the Guardian. We have to try. If that’s part of the solution to saving these people and going back home, then there’s really no other option.
[ he’s saying this with a calm head this time. he’s frustrated, clearly, but he’s speaking firmly and with nowhere near the same aggression he held earlier, back when he wanted to attack jupiter.
he doesn’t believe that he can be the leader anyone needs him to be. not here, not back at home. but it’s not going to stop him from trying to do what he feels is right. ]
And if we need someone to scope it out before we act, then I’ll do it.
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But I know he's too much like me not to be dangerous.
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[Comparing himself to Saturn means that comes with the territory as far as Bucky's concerned.]
I don't know why he would up and vanish, but it's not good.
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[A pause; Bucky had already shown more of his hand than he was clearly comfortable with, and right now it seemed only fair.]
...I know how Saturn felt. Speaking as if Cyrus was his only reason for existing and following him the only purpose in life...I've always been the same way.
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Steve was always pretty sickly, when we were growing up. The kind of sickly you don't grow out of. I think I got too used to him needing me, because he took part in this experiment, and suddenly became some kind of healthy, strong Adonis, and I...
[He won't cry, not after making an ass of himself in front of the group and nearly getting himself killed and not even feeling the least bit of anything about the latter-- but he does make a choked noise.]
I just kinda felt like suddenly I wasn't needed anymore.
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...I was six years old when I was made advisor to the crown prince. I swore to guide and protect him, and I accepted that as my purpose without hesitation. Every day since then, all that I have done has been for his benefit whether directly or otherwise. My skill at cooking, my ability as a politician, my combat proficiency--all of it was developed to see that Noct stayed upon the path to becoming a man worth his father's throne.
Everything about the person I am, every single scar I carry, the entire reason Ignis Scientia exists...is because I promised my life in service to Noctis Lucis Caelum. I was too young for there to have ever been someone other than who I am now.
[He paused again, adjusting his glasses. When Ignis found his voice again, it had dropped so as not to be overheard.]
...And then he was just...gone. With me unable to follow, my entire role having been fulfilled in a way I never wished it to be. And I was left here, as if just meant to keep going without any reason to exist.
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We met when he was seventy pounds soaking wet and trying to pick a fight with a kid twice his size. I kicked the kid's ass, and after that, we were always together.
[His voice is low enough he hopes he can't be overheard, and hopes he doesn't sound like he's trying to sound like the more miserable-- they're both wrecks, aren't they?
But Noctis is here now, so that's... that's something.]
It's an awful feeling, to suddenly be useless. You've been doing one thing, and now all of a sudden you can't do it anymore, there's no reason.
cw: suicidal ideation
[The words came much easier now that the initial confession was in the air; his expression even gave way to the briefest trace of a smile at Bucky's description. They certainly sounded quite the pair.]
...I wanted so badly to go with him. I offered to stay at his side until the end, but...he asked me to see the dawn we were fighting to protect. And I would never go against his wishes even if it meant living when I would have chosen not to.
cw: suicidal ideation
[He smiles, but it's sad.]
I don't know what I'd do, without him. I keep getting saved by him.
[But Bucky can related.]
If I hadn't fallen from the train, if he hadn't ended up frozen, I still would have lost him. We woulda gone home, he would've married Peggy, and I'd never have had him. That's selfish of me, isn't it? Wake up 70 years in the future with my best friend alive too, and all I can think is "at least she didn't take him from me."
She was a good person, would've been great for him. But I couldn't stand it.
[He laughs, a little sadly, mostly tired.]
We're a mess, aren't we?
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Perhaps a bit. I don't regret choosing to live as I have, but...I can't say it hasn't come with its share of pain.
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[He pulls himself inward.]
Steve tells me it's not my fault, but I still did unforgivable things.
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...But I think--if you'll not mind my saying so, I doubt any of our number are liable to think less of you for it. The person we know you as seems far from a terrible one.
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I killed people, a lot of them. Usually while they were begging me for mercy in twenty different languages.
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[And really, what could one possibly say about that? Ignis didn't answer at all--but he also didn't object or leave, instead tilting his head patiently waiting for Bucky to continue if he wanted to.]
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I really don't know why I'm here at all.
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I'm a wanted man in almost every country on Earth, but Wakanda still took me in, gave me a life. I've got goats, a farm, and safety in the most secure country on the planet.
I like my life there, I like it when Steve visits me.
[He sighs.]
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...Prompto and Gladio are going to have a fit once we do, most likely.
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